▸ Column · Modern grounded comic — the letter reaches Logan secondhand, answered in his terse present-day register
WOLVERINE replies.
The letter
A college friend — call her Priya — has said "yes, definitely in" to seven things I've thrown over two years: a birthday dinner, holiday parties, my housewarming, a send-off brunch, game nights. She's shown up to none of them. Always a text an hour before: "so sorry, something came up." When we grab coffee one-on-one, maybe twice a year and only when she texts first, I genuinely like her. But I've started planning around her yeses. Last month I bought her a $45 comedy ticket because she was "definitely in," then ate the cost when she bailed at 6 p.m. for a Saturday "work thing." I'm hosting a birthday dinner for my partner next month. Do I invite her and pay for the seat, invite her and quietly not count on it, or finally just not invite her and accept this friendship has a ceiling?
Wolverine replies
You already got your answer, bub. You just don't like the shape of it.
Seven yeses, zero shows. That ain't a scheduling problem, that's the truth, and she's been tellin' it to you for two years. I learned this the long way — don't listen to what a person says, watch what they do when showin' up costs 'em somethin'. Priya's word is worth nothin'. Not 'cause she's evil. 'Cause she can't make herself spend on you and she won't say so. Fine. Now you know.
So stop payin' for the promise. The seat doesn't exist till she's sittin' in it. You buy no ticket, you budget no plate, you save no chair on the strength of "definitely." That $45 was tuition. Don't pay it twice.
But don't go burnin' the whole thing down, neither. That coffee, twice a year, when she's the one reachin' out — that's the part that's real. That's her conduct, and conduct's the only honest thing she's given you. Keep it. Take it for exactly what it is and not an ounce more.
A century's taught me the people who count are the ones still standin' next to you when there's nothin' in it for 'em. She's not that. Doesn't mean she's nothin'. Just means you stop handin' her your plans like she is.
— Wolverine
Deadpool weighs in
See, Logan strips it to the bone and leaves the bone there. Classic. Four words, walks back to the bar.
Here's what the grumpy adamantium uncle skipped: Priya's "yes" isn't a lie, it's a flinch. She CAN'T say no — saying no feels like rejecting you to your face, so she says yes and bails by text where she doesn't have to watch your face fall. I know that move. I AM that move. I'd RSVP to my own funeral and ghost it.
So before you quietly demote her to coffee-only — give her the off-ramp out loud. "Hey. Just tell me no. I swear I won't be weird." Watch what she does with permission. THAT'S the actual test.
...okay, Logan, your round.
— Deadpool
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