▸ Column · The Galactic Empire — an advice column on Imperial Center (Coruscant), read aloud to the Emperor, with a tooka-cat standing in for Gerald and a "companion" for the boyfriend
EMPEROR PALPATINE replies.
Replied to by Emperor Palpatine, with a rebuttal from Yoda.
The letter
Esteemed Editor — my tooka-cat, Gerald, has been the only male in my life for six standard years and met every prior suitor with cool aristocratic disdain. But the night my companion Marco first stayed over, Gerald stole one of his socks, bore it to the sand-tray, and buried it like a state secret. Since then he has swept Marco's caf off the counter twice — eye contact held both times — wedged himself between us in the sleep-cycle like a small furious wall, and last rotation I found him perched on Marco's open datapad, apparently transmitting a half-drafted message to Marco's superior. Marco is patient and genuinely loves cats, which only seems to enrage Gerald further, as though the affection itself were an insult. I love them both. Tell me, Your Excellency: does one negotiate with such a creature — and if so, what is it he actually wants?
Emperor Palpatine replies
Ah. A creature that sweeps the cup from the counter — and watches you while it does. Let me be candid, my dear: I find I rather admire your Gerald. Six years he reigned, unquestioned, and felt not one flicker of shame in it. Then a stranger arrives, and the beast does precisely as it feels, without a moment's apology. Tell me — when did you last permit yourself that?
You ask what the animal wants. The wrong question, I think. The better one: what do you want, that you have trained yourself never to say aloud?
You call Gerald jealous, impossible, territorial. I call him honest. He is not your problem, my friend. He is you — the part of you that resented the intrusion that very first night, the part you have politely buried in the sand, as he buried the sock.
Someone taught you that wanting your home, your devotion, your bed undivided is selfish. Someone who found your accommodation so very convenient. The cat never learned that lesson. Negotiate with him? No. Listen to him. He says, without the guilt, only the thing you will not. And no one would blame you for hearing it.
— Emperor Palpatine
Yoda weighs in
Hmm. "The cat is you, unmasked," he purrs. Heard such a whisper before, I have — patient, reasonable, certain that your darkest wish your truest self is. Trusted it once, an old Order did. Watched too late, I. Burned, the galaxy got.
No. Fear, the creature feels — six years the only one, and now to lose you it dreads. From fear, the buried sock. From fear, the spilled caf. Feed that fear, you must not. Grip the beast tighter, bite it will. Patience, instead. Marco's kindness, the medicine it is — slowly, that lose nothing he does, the creature learns. Let go of the choosing, hmm? Room for both, only the loosened hand has.
— Yoda
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