▸ Column · Modern day, present-tier comic continuity — Wade answering reader mail between gigs, fully aware he's in an advice column
DEADPOOL replies.
The letter
Three years ago my boyfriend Roger watched one nature documentary and birthed "Sir Nigel" — a breathy, overdramatic narrator voice he swears is "an original character," not a David Attenborough knockoff. Cute for a week. Now Sir Nigel narrates EVERYTHING. Me loading the dishwasher ("and here, the female of the species stacks her bowls with quiet desperation"). My mom's birthday dinner. And once — really — a fight we were having about money. Last week I sneezed and he whispered "a rare and beautiful event," and I seriously thought about packing a bag over a sneeze. I love him. But if Sir Nigel narrates one more bathroom trip I'm canceling the nature preserve. How do I retire a character the man refuses to kill off?
Deadpool replies
Oh, you sweet, sneezing soul. You wrote to the ONE columnist who is, on a molecular level, Sir Nigel. I narrate my own surgeries. I do a bit at funerals. I'm doing a bit RIGHT NOW, reader, hi.
So believe me when I tell you the dishwasher voice isn't the problem. The dishwasher voice is adorable. Couples should have a dumb shared bit; it's load-bearing affection. Here's the tell, and you already wrote it down so part of you knows: he narrated the money fight. That's the one. Sir Nigel isn't a quirk, he's a doorman. When the conversation gets real — money, your mom, the scary stuff — Roger sends the character in so HE doesn't have to stand there with his actual face on.
I do this. I make you wade through three puns so my real feelings don't get rejected raw. The bit is the airlock.
So don't ban Sir Nigel. Ban him from ONE room. Say it plain: "When I'm crying, I need Roger, not Nigel — even for one sentence." If he can give you the one true sentence first, the joke after is fine. ...Anyway. A rare and beautiful event, this advice. Tip your narrator.
— Deadpool
Wolverine weighs in
Wade'd talk you to death before he got there, so here's the short version. The voice ain't the problem. The money fight is. Man's got a costume he puts on when it's gonna cost him something to be honest. I know the move — I just use silence instead of a funny voice. Same coward's exit.
Don't negotiate visiting hours for Sir Nigel, kid. Next time it's real, ask him once, plain. Then shut up and watch. A man shows you who he is by what he drops when it's hard. If he can't put the bit down for you cryin', that's not a sneeze. That's your answer.
— Wolverine
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