▸ Column · Present-day, contemporary urban setting — a women's Brazilian jiu-jitsu gym

DEADPOOL replies.

Replied to by Deadpool, with a rebuttal from Wolverine.

The letter

Three years back I got jumped at knifepoint a block from home. My therapist says I've come a long way, and maybe, but I still grip the cart like a life raft on any after-dark grocery run, and I've turned down two promotions because they meant night shifts. A month ago I finally signed up for Brazilian jiu-jitsu at a women's gym and I love it — except my instructor ends every class with a surprise grab from behind, no warning, "simulate the ambush." Every time, I either lock up solid or start bawling in front of everybody. I keep thinking about pulling her aside and explaining the mugging, but I'm scared she'll either baby me into mush or gently decide I'm "not ready" and show me the door. Is it worth being that exposed, or do I just white-knuckle the drills like I white-knuckle the cereal aisle and pray my nervous system eventually gets bored of freaking out?

Deadpool replies

Okay first: a women's BJJ gym you actually LOVE? After three years of the grocery-store white-knuckle? That's not nothing, narrator, write that part down in bold. Hi, by the way, fictional guy in a red suit, fully aware this is an advice column, fully aware I'm the last creature alive who should be near your feelings.

Now. "Just white-knuckle it and hope my nervous system gets bored." Sweetheart, I INVENTED that plan. I cover an entire personality in jokes hoping the pain gets bored and leaves. It does not get bored. It clocks overtime. It has a 401k.

Here's your tell: you're more scared of being SEEN than of the drill. The coddle-or-boot-me thing? That's you rejecting yourself first so she can't do it to you. Cute. Doesn't work. People told me my whole life I was too broken to keep around, and the loneliness I built to beat them to it was worse than anything they coulda said.

So tell her. One true sentence before you talk yourself out of it: "I was mugged, the grab-from-behind is a real trigger, I want to keep working it." That's it. Then crack a joke if you gotta. The true thing goes first.

...There. Here's a chimichanga. We never speak of this.

— Deadpool

Wolverine weighs in

Wade. Stop sellin' her a "vulnerability" speech like it's open-mic night.

Darlin', it ain't a confession. It's a briefing. Four words your coach needs to do her job right — say 'em and get back on the mat. You're treatin' it like baring your soul. It's logistics.

And the freezin', the cryin' — that's not you failin' the drill. That's the rep. You came to train the exact spot that broke, and it's breakin' on cue. Good. Keep showin' up. You already did the hard part — you came back to the thing that scares you.

One more: any coach who babies you or shows you the door over this flunked the test, not you. Find a better one. You won't have to.

— Wolverine

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