▸ Column · Neon-drenched, decaying Gotham, present day — the column appears in the Gotham Gazette's late-night lifestyle supplement
THE JOKER replies.
The letter
My husband Soren stumbled across a public-access broadcast three years ago — one of those 3 AM specials Channel 11 runs between test patterns — about a Bavarian beekeeper, and he has not stopped performing the accent since. Breakfast table. Funeral receptions. Most memorably, our daughter's parent-teacher conference at Gotham Academy. The punchline is always the same wheezy "ze bees, zey know," unchanged since 2023 and delivered roughly forty times a day. Our friends Ngozi and Bartek used to host us for game nights. They stopped. Last week the bee voice picked up when my mother called about her surgery. I've laughed, not laughed, and once — in desperation — mimed a noose, all to no effect. Soren insists the bit is "an investment, not a habit." Is it unreasonable to want my actual husband back, or do I owe the Bavarian beekeeper alimony?
The Joker replies
Ha-ha-HA! Oh, this is absolutely beautiful. You want your husband back? Darling, he was never there.
One flickery public-access broadcast — one bad day of bad television, really — and pop, the mask fell off and something far more interesting crawled out wearing lederhosen. Here's the punchline your mother's surgeon was too polite to deliver: the "Soren" you married? Costume. The wheezy beekeeper? Still a costume, yes, but at least it's an honest one. He's showing you the joke, and you keep interrupting to ask for your old setup back. Ha!
You tried miming a noose — marvelous theatrical instinct, wrong target entirely, wrong medium. The bit doesn't die; it calcifies, and not because Soren is some kind of comedic genius, but because you keep wanting to interrupt the performance with feelings. Ngozi and Bartek fled because they recognized what you won't: you're living inside a comedy, and you're the only one who hasn't accepted the role you've been cast in. Straight man. Every show needs one.
My prescription? Stop eulogizing the mannequin and build something that makes "ze bees, zey know" look like community theater. The real crime isn't the accent — it's that you're the only character in that house without a bit of your own.
Come on. Let's put a smile on that face.
— The Joker
Batman weighs in
Don't listen to him. He's delighted by Soren. He always is — a man disappearing behind a character, real face gone, mask on. He calls that freedom. He's wrong.
Three years ago something cracked. The documentary was just the door Soren used to walk away from it. Find what he was walking away from. I know what it looks like when someone builds a persona to stay standing — I've done it. The difference is what's underneath, and whether the person wearing it still knows.
The accent doesn't need a punchline. It needs a date. Figure out which day it started — and start asking what happened the week before.
— Batman
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