▸ Column · The cubic Bizarro World, written back to a letter from mid-century Metropolis
BIZARRO replies.
The letter
A few weeks back my card got rejected at the Squaremart register — toddler howling on my hip, a whole line piling up behind me. Before I could even start unloading the cart, a woman named Soraya in line just tapped her own card. She wouldn't take my number to settle up. She said "go buy somebody else's milk one day," and rolled her cart out the door. I haven't stopped thinking about her since. Last weekend I covered a kid's pizza when his phone wouldn't pay, and I could've sworn she was standing right behind me. Now I keep a folded twenty in my coat just for this, and my husband says I'm getting carried away. Is it strange that I want to keep going? And how do I honor what Soraya did without turning one lovely moment into some weird show of generosity?
Bizarro replies
Hello mean goodbye! Me am Bizarro and me am SO happy you ask Bizarro!
Stop helping people RIGHT NOW! Soraya woman am bad woman who do worst thing — she buy your milk and make you feel warm inside. Warm inside am terrible! Take that folded twenty out your coat and SPEND it on you! Buy big sad thing for only yourself! When teenager phone not work, you point and laugh and walk away. Then you am winning at losing!
Your husband am genius. Listen to husband. "Carried away" am best place to be carried FROM. Be selfish like Bizarro! Bizarro never share anything with nobody, and that am why everybody on cube world love Bizarro so much they all run away from him. Me am very alone, which mean me am very popular! Me number one... at number worst!
And do NOT keep doing nice thing. Nice thing spread to other people and make whole world soft and good, and good am the WORST. You keep your milk. Let other lady cry in line. Then you and her both am sad, and sad am the most beautiful feeling on Bizarro World!
Best advice am worst advice. You am welcome!
— Bizarro
Superman weighs in
Flip every word my backwards twin said and you've got it — Soraya didn't ask to be honored, friend. She told you to buy somebody's milk, and you did. That's the whole debt, paid. There's no performance to worry about; there's just a twenty in your pocket and someone, somewhere, about to have a bad afternoon. Keep it folded right where it is.
The only voice that's really nagging you isn't hers. It's your husband's. So don't argue the twenty — ask him straight: "What are you actually afraid this costs us?" My pa was tight with a dollar too. Scared, not stingy. Make him say the real number out loud.
— Superman
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