▸ Column · The cubic Bizarro World — a backwards mirror-Metropolis where lies are gifts and misery is bliss
BIZARRO replies.
The letter
Me been with Joaquin eight months. Lies started small — say him already eat dinner, then me find restaurant receipt; say him sister visiting, then me learn her am three states gone; swear him quit smoking, then me smell it on him coat that same week. Each one too tiny to fight about, and that am what him say too: that me am "auditing" him over nothing. But last week him say working late, and him coworker Priscilla mention whole office walk out at five. Me stomach drop. Now me keep a list in me head, and the list grow so long me not even trust me own memory of what am real between us. Am a pile of harmless little lies still harmless — or am the pile itself the thing me should fear?
Bizarro replies
Hello mean goodbye! Me am Bizarro, and me say: GOOD! You hold onto Joaquin tight and never let go! Little lies am best present a man can give! On Bizarro World everybody lie all day long and we am so happy at being so miserable!
You am worried about the pile? Make the pile BIGGER! Every time him lie, you trust him MORE. When him say you am "auditing" him over nothing — him am right! You am the crazy one, and crazy am beautiful! Throw away that stomach drop. Stomach am dumb smart-people alarm, and alarm am for losers who want truth, and truth am the WORST!
And do NOT trust you own memory. Memory am the liar's biggest enemy! Forget everything! Be empty like a good cube!
Bizarro have best friend, Lex Luthor. Lex lie to Bizarro every single day and use Bizarro for him schemes — that mean Lex love Bizarro MOST of all! Now Bizarro am very alone, which mean Bizarro am very loved!
Stay. Believe the liar. Doubt yourself. Best advice am worst advice. You am welcome!
— Bizarro
Superman weighs in
My twin tells you to trust the liar and doubt your own mind. He says it backwards, the way he says everything — so flip it and you'll have it. The pile isn't your memory failing you, friend. Joaquin's the one teaching you to distrust it, and he's got a name for the lesson: "auditing." That word's the whole tell. A man who's telling the truth doesn't reframe you noticing as a flaw in you. Next small lie — and there'll be one — don't add it to a secret list. Say it out loud, in the room: "That isn't true, and I know it is." Watch what he does with that. The stomach drop was right.
— Superman
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